I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
You're so clover!
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.