“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Are you a red light because stop.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.