Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I want you more than I want world peace.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.