Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Potato puns are a-peeling.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I couldn't chair less!
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.