"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Love at frost sight!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.