Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Can I claim your baggage?
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Feeling my shelf.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Love me till ice cream.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.