My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."