What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?