Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
"What an egg-citing day."
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!