How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
"I've found some bunny to love."
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.