What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Beach, please.
Love me till ice cream.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
You’re my soul Santa.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!