Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Let’s make like a banana and split.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?