"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
"Having a good hare day."
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!