That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Your treat or mine?
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.