What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I Tour de Francy you.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
You're such a TEAse.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."