What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!

“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.

Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.

Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.

Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.

Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Shell-abrate the good times!

Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.

Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.

Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!

Why was the broom late? It over swept!

Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.

Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.

Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”

What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?

What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.

My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!

I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.

You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.

What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!

The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?