Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono