Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.

I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.

“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.

I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4

How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.

I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.

I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.

What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."

I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.

The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.

Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.

Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G

What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.

My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.

We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

Which car do sheep drive?

Su-baa-ru.

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories

What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby

The lager you wait, the better it tastes.

A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.

“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”

- Ugo Betti

Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

Easter? I hardly even knew her.