Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.

How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”

A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence

Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.

Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.

On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt

Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan

Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!

Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.

What genre are national anthems?
Country.

I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter

Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.

Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."

You are spud-tacular.

"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"

When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'

Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.

The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.

"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.

What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!

I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.

Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!

How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.

Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number

What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.

Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!

Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."