Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything

"Time wounds all heels."

Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.

The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright

Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.

“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears

What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!

While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.

How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!

Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.

How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!

Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.

What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!

Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.

“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon

Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.

What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?

My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.

What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.

I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.

What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement

Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.

I only have ice for you.

“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford

My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)

What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.

Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!

Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.

Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!

"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.

“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard

Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.

I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.

Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.

Werewolves love their fast food.

Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

Time to spruce things up.

How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar