It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
My fridge is hotter than you.
"Alcohol you later."
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Distill my beating heart.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
French, French Revolution
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.