I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I would give anything to be your personal item.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
You’re my lucky charm.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.