Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Icy what you did there.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”