What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.

I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.

What is the collective noun for cars?

Pack of cars.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?

"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell

What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!

"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller

What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.

My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."

I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.

Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.

What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.

“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”

How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.

I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.

Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!

You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.

Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."

- Marsha Doble

A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash

Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.

Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.

“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”

Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.

What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.

The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.