What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
I could never Passover you.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.