What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Do you squat here often?
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.