Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!

I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.

Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.

So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.

What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.

Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...

My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.

Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber

Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”

Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss

My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.

I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.

Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.

What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."

Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.

What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.

Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.

"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.

How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.

"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

- Dorothy Parker.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.

“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown