For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
It's ice to meet you.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Leave poetry to the prose.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.