“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
You are shrimply the best!
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.