I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Water you doing?
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
"Time wounds all heels."
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten