To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I wood never leaf you.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Shake your shamrocks.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown