"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.