As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Your treat or mine?
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Do you like free samples?
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
"There's no bunny like you."
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.