If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.