I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
"Say you'll be wine."
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"