"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
I’ll always be running-back to you.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
He threw three free throws.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.