Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.