“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I get a real kick out of you.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?