You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.