The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!