Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
French people give me the crepes.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?