Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person

What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.

What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.

What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!

Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.

What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”

On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.

If there's a will, there's a wave.

“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”

Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!

Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”

What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.

Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"

What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.

"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.

Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?