“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
You are pitcher perfect.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!