I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
I love you so fairy much.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.