One more thyme.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
You're spicier than Sriracha.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.