Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?