“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Irish food is legen-dairy.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.