The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Shell-abrate the good times!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.