What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.

I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.

What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis

“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman

What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.

It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.

What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery

What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.

What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.

Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.

What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.

Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.

Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.

What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.

Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.

What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!

There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Writers have great climaxes.

Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.