What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.