“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande

Rock was magma before it was cool.

“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous

If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.

It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.

Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.

I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.

It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.

Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?

“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer

What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.

Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one

Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.

When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.

What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!

What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”

To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.

The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.

Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."

- Thomas Dewar

Can I show you my yellow submarine?

I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.

“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.

What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”

Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.

Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!

Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!

Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.

What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns