When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.