What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
These book puns have tickled your spine.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
I whale always love you.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.