One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
All stereos are so typical.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.