Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.