Can I hiber-mate with you?
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.