I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
It takes one to snow one.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
I’m rooting for you!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker