Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
I love you deerly.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Feeling my shelf.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan