“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
You’re wine in a million.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown