Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
She has high elf-esteem.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.