“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?