How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.