What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
When are you going to invite me to church?
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
We are mint to be.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Who needs luck? I have charm.
"You crack me up."
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.