Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
You're the ruler of my heart.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Here comes the sun of my life
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.