When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I like you, you croc my world.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.