A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.