“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Namastay here or come home with me?
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.