My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.