Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.