Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”