How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Pugs and kisses.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
I would love to show you first class.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
I find my core strength in you.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.