Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.