Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!