What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I “lub” you.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.