Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
This foundation is rock salad.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Case in punt
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
"You crack me up."
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
"Partners in wine."
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.