I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G

The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.

How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.

What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.

How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.

That was thaw-some!

Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.

"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman

Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone

What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!

I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!

What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation

Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.

What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it

Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”

- Ugo Betti

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.

“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.

What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.

Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.