Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."