A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
I only have ice for you!
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Fairies just spell trouble.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.