How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.

I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.

Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct

What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.

What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?

Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.

What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.

What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.

These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.

How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.

What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.

Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.

Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’

I think we need to become better strangers.

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.

Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.

What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.

Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.

My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.

What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.

When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.

That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Egg-Plant a kiss on me.

Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.

Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.