Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.