I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
We make a great pear
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
You're spicier than Sriracha.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.