“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.

The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.

What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.

What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.

Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.

Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!

"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel

A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."

Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.

What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.

What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.

I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.

I’m ready to shamrock and roll.

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.

Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.

England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.

What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!

I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.

I like the way you espresso yourself.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.

Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln

I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.

What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!

Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.

How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!

Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.

What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.

This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.

Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?

I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?