"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith

What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.

I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.

How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock

With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.

Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.

How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.

What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!

Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!

Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"

“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.

It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.

The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.

When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.

Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.

The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.

Salty but sweet.

This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!

What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.

Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter

what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.

Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.

“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso

My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.

"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon

What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.