I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
The huddle is real
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.