Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
"Time to wine down."
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.