How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
You're acute Valentine.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous