What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I get a real kick out of you.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers