You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.