I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.