Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Someone said you were looking for me.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
I wanna bob for your apples.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
I would part the Red Sea for you.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.