Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.