What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
You’re brew-tiful!
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.