What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
You're hotter than a data center!
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.