"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.