My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
I love you from my head tomato
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Octopus ocular optics.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.