Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!