Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Readers do it by the book.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Feeling fintastic.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.