What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
You’re my lucky charm.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.